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| so today i hung out with ramille.
we sat in the park and talked for a while.
the topic of comics came up, and he asked me which comics i read.
i mentioned the comics that my cousin introduced me to, like king of fighters, capcom, snk, spiderman, batman, etc. and he kept pressing on about which comics i read. and for the life of me, i just couldn't say. my heart eagerly wanted to have a word vomit, but my mind kept my mouth clamped shut. i felt like he looked down at the anime fan culture ( who can blame him? look at those people who act absurdly at anime cons) , and that's what kept me from saying " oh yeah, i really like reading d. gray man, yakkitate japan, deathnote (even though it's overly exposed) , doubt, battle royale, and confidential confessions. but other than that i also read some web comics."
i felt like such a fake.
but it's hard, when you kind of know what answer they're looking for. you know what i mean? i feel like i should have a stronger sense of myself. i shouldn't be shy about my point of views and likes and dislikes because that's what creates my idenity. if i can't stand up for who i am, then my existence is kind of weak and meaningless.
i know i'm not a fake. maybe i'm not as hardcore as he is, but nevertheless, i do have some knowledge of the topic.
i have half the heart to just be openly honest and just call him up, just to say " about the conversation we had earlier today, about comics. i was a bit tounge-tied because i was a bit embarressed to tell you how much i like reading manga comics. i think you look down on it somewhat, so that's why i was a bit hesitant to say. i can't say i'm a huge american comic fanatic, although my cousin introduced me to dc & marvel. i liked kof more. and that's when i got into the anime& manga subculture. "
but then, where would that conversation lead? it raises questions about my character, perhaps? am i, possibly, the type of person that is so influenced by someone, that i am at loss of an opinion? what a frightening realization. and how sad.
however, even if i do decide to call him up and say that, i doubt i'd say it with as much conviction as i intend to. partly because i'd get nervous and stutter, or talkreallyfast or have interjections of filler words because i'm at loss of something substaintial to say.
is it better to leave things as is? what's left unspoken, he can deduce. so, do i trust his deduction of my character, or do i trust myself, my words, and say the words to help convey my depiction of myself/ my character?
it's all so frustrating when it shouldn't have to be. | | |
| i read something on jasmine's blog and it was such a wake up call.
just because you care for someone, doesn't mean that they care for you, or at least the way you want them to.
" asking someone to show even the smallest ounce of concern is a lot to ask for. if they truly cared about you, you would never have to ask them to show how much they care for you. if they had difficulties expressing their feelings, i think they’d still try to find a way to show they care, somehow.
putting that aside, i’m talking about the people who blatantly show no regard for your well being. it’s a difficult thing to ask for for simply because they just don’t care."
it's hard for me to accept.
this applies to potential lovers and with friends.
for example, today my housemates made tacos for everyone, except for me. they didn't offer any, and i didn't want to ask. since i've been here, for a month straight, i'd make one of my housemates scrambled eggs for breakfast twice a week (when we had school together) and i've never asked him to pay for the eggs to make them. i made him breakfast, simply because i thought it was a nice thing to do, who'd want to go to school hungry anyways? i didn't think of what i wanted from him in return. i did it simply because i wanted to. because i cared.
i've also made enchiladas for dinner, for all my housemates twice, and i've also shared what i've made for myself for dinner multiple times with my housemates.
and it just hurts a lot that they couldn't even reciprocate my feelings. i don't mean to whine about this, but i think that the act of eating together, is an intimate moment. jasmine & i have talked about this before. eating together is a type of bonding experience. the conversations that evolve from eating at the same table, or even out of the same bowl, it's all so intimate if you stop and think about it.
and although i say that i did make them food without wanting anything in return, it still hurts when feelings aren't reciprocated.
the conclusion jasmine reached : " it’s not worth going out of your way to care for someone if they never plan on reciprocating the care that you are so deserving of. sometimes, you just have to know when to stop giving pieces of yourself away and learn how to start putting your well-being first again."
this also applies to the boy i'm crushing on. it seems like i put all the effort in starting the communication,
and i don't deserve feeling like i'm unworthy of his time. i think one of my favorite quotes, and one i need to constantly remind myself, is from eleanor roosevelt -- " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." i am worth more than what you take me for.
it's the cold truth. and it was a huge wake up call.
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| i have so many clothes & stuff that i can't close my suitcase.
omgoshhh. and later today i'm going to goodwill with eileen. i'm hoping that i won't see anything super cute otherwise i'd buy it and have more problem on my hands.
i don't want to give anything up! i'm such a pack rat. at these times i really wish i had my own room to dump my clothes & junk.
on another note, these are things that i should remind myself:
- if he wants me, he'll find me.
- if he really wants to talk to me, he will.
- he isn't calling/ texting me then that means i'm not on his mind.
- when pursuing a relationship with a boy, don't take his words to heart. just look at his actions.
i still like ramille immensely, but now i'm okay with letting him go, if that's what he wants. if he's not into me, then that's that. what can i do, right? i'm just gonna give him space. we'll see where things go.
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| GRAVITATION
it's the reason why we keep pressing the "skip" button on our ipods.
i don't know about the rest of you guys, but there are just some songs that i want to put on repeat, over and over again. and it's those moments where you just gravitate to certain songs because they describe your current situation/ feelings. sometimes i don't really know what i'm looking for to listen to, so i keep pressing "skip" until my mind tells me that " this is it" . unknowingly & unconsciously it's exactly how i'm feeling.
it amazes me, how our minds work.
on another note. there could be a billion reasons why he hasn't replied. it's funny how we can jump to the worst conclusions, when in fact it may be something completely irrelevant & out of our control. i've texted him twice this evening. at a pretty large interval. there's nothing more i can do without coming off as a naggy woman.
REMEMBER: the chase is on. go for it with everything you have. give 110%. and at the end of everything, if he still prefers another, then there's peace knowing that you've done all that you could and more. love hard. there's no room for insecurities and doubt. just do it. dive into it.
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| i turned around, and you tousled my hair and said good bye. i looked at you. hoping for a hug or a kiss . my eyes grew wide and all i could think was "what? " while holding my gaze, you started to step away and said goodbye again. i quickly stepped forward and swung my arm out, about to pull you in for a hug. i stopped my arm midway and realized that if you really wanted a hug or kiss from me, you would have initiated it. and at that realization, i felt sorely disappointed. am i the only one that feels for you? i thought that the feeling we had towards each other was mutual. i stood there with my arms to my side and waved goodbye. | | |
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